Stupid People

Today I had a conversation with another stupid person. I had my telephone head set on and I don't think the customer could hear me bouncing my head off the steel file cabinets, although I am sure I heard her mumble something about a bad connection.
Here is the conversation, such as it was.
Me: Acme Printing. How may I help you?
SP: Hi! This is stupid person and I need to get some printing done.
Me: OK, have we done anything for you before?
SP: Yes.
Me: Can you give me more information on that job?
SP: Don't you have it?
Me: Well, I could look it up if you could give me your name.
SP: Don't you keep files or something?
Me: Yes, but the job would be filed under your name and you haven't told me your name yet.
SP: I would think that you would keep files of jobs you print.
Me: Gritting my teeth....Yes, we do have files BUT I need your name to look the file up. That how we file the job dockets...BY....YOUR....NAME.
SP: Oh!..............So you need the name that is on my invoice from last time?
Me: Yes!
SP: Well I have it right here.....rustle...rustle...rustle....
Me: OK...?!?!?!
SP: Well......do you need it now??.......
Me: It would make it easier to find the docket, yes.
SP: Oh....well my name is Stupid Person.....that's what's on the invoice.
Me: OK then.....let me take a look and see if I can find the docket..........
SP: I only had this job done a few weeks ago. I don't understand why you can't just look it up on your computer.
Me: I can and I will but I need to pull the docket out first for any other information that I might need like the spelling of your name and phone number and addre..........
SP: (Interrupting me) You need my phone number?
Me: Yes.
SP: Why?
Me: So I can call you when the job is ready for pickup.
SP: Oh...rustle rustle rustle...the number isn't on the invoice I have from the last time.
Me: Has it changed from the last time?
SP: No.
Me: Well.....if you don't know your number it will be on or in the docket from the last job.
SP: Are you sure?
Me: Did someone call you to come in to pick up the last job when it was ready?
SP: Yes.
Me: Then trust me, your phone number is in the last docket somewhere.
SP: Oh........well I'm not sure if you have my cell number or home number....
Me: Does it matter which one I call?
SP: No......
Me: Then I'll just call whatever number is on or in the docket when I find it.
SP: OK.....so you'll phone me? In a few days?
Me: I will call as soon as the order is ready to pick up. (I have found the docket by this time)
So you wanted an exact repeat of the last job.
SP: Yes everything is exactly the same.
Me: Great, we will go ahead with the job.
SP: So your going to get me this and that.
Me: Yes and the other thing as well.
SP: I don't want the other thing this time, I only need this and that.
Me: OK so it's a repeat job with one small change.
SP: No.....there aren't any changes.....I want the same as last time. It should be on the docket.
Me: Oh....(sounding confused I am sure) so you do want this, that and the other thing?
SP: Yes, I want this and that.
Me: But not the other thing?
SP: No, I don't need the other thing this time.
Me: OK......you want this and that.
SP: Yes.
Me: Same quantities as last time.
SP: Yes, exactly the same but no other thing this time.
Me: OK, so 500 this and 500 that.
SP: No...I only need 250 of each.
Me: (my head is starting to hurt...could be the steel file cabinets...)
So 250 of this and 250 of that but no other thing. Do I have it right?
SP: Yes....exactly what I said the first time.
Me: Trying to breath deeply and slowly.....OK then..........someone will call as soon as it is ready.
SP: What number will they call?
Me: (At this point I am mumbling because my teeth are clenched so tightly) What number do you want them to call?
SP: It doesn't matter.......well......maybe they.....no it doesn't matter......
Me: Why don't we call both?
SP: Can you do that?
Me: Yes we are able to do that.
SP: Nah.....just call my moms house and she'll let me know you called.
Me: OK...what is her number?
SP: Don't you have it?
Me: Did you give it to us last time? I don't see it on any of the paperwork.
SP: No....why would I give you my mom's number? I don't live there. Jeez! There is no way I want her to know about this project...I won't hear the last of it. Don't even get me started on my mother. God!!! Whatever you do....Don't call her!!!
Me:(Not taking any breaths, lying through my teeth and speaking very, very quickly and not giving her a chance to interrupt me) IWon'tCallYourMomBecauseIDon'tHaveHerNumber
AndIAmSorryButI'mAloneInTheOffice
AndTheOtherLinesAreRinging
AndThereIsSomeoneAtTheFront DeskSoIReallyHaveToGoNow
AndSomeoneWillCallTheNumbersWeHaveOnFile
FromYourLastJobOrYouCanPhoneInNextWeek
ToSeeIfYourOrderIsReadyToPickUp.....
at this point I had to stop and get air but didn't do it fast enough...
RATS!....she started speaking before I could spit the words "goodbye and have a nice day" out.
SP: When should I call?
Me: Monday or Tuesday.
SP: OK.... I'll call in then. I'll ask for you. What's your name?
Me: Sorry but I won't be in.You need to ask for the salesperson or the office cohort. I'm off Monday and Tuesday. But I will let them both know that you will be calling and they can deal with you at that time.
SP: You get Monday and Tuesday off?
Me: Yes we are only working four day weeks and they owe me a day so I am taking Tuesday off.
SP: Jeez....must be nice to get a long weekend every week! Wish I worked there! Any openings? ha...ha......OK, well thank you and I hope you have a good weekend. Bye!
Me: Trust me, I will have a great long weekend. Thank you for calling. Good bye!
She hangs up and I move from the file cabinets to my desk where I commence hitting my head on the desk. My office cohort looks over grins and says "So is it a repeat job or not?"
Ha....ha....funny girl!
The salesperson walks into the office and sees me banging my head and asks,"Which stupid person was that?" When I tell her, she gives a brilliant smile with her perfect white teeth, she flips her perfectly beautiful long hair back, turns her skinny body around and says over her shoulder, as she walks back out of the office on legs that I would kill for, "Thank goodness you're dealing with her this time."
Ha...ha...ha...another funny girl.
I stop banging my head and start typing up the docket.
NOTE ON DOCKET: Customer must pick up Monday...Tuesday the very latest. Be sure to put her phone number on the invoice. When she picks up the order be sure to confirm with her that we have the correct quantities and items. Also...ask her how her mother is.